Our Hardest Story to Share yet
If you’ve ever grappled with change, waded through uncertainty, questioned your identity, or tried to define and redefine yourself to no avail, this post is for you. You are not alone. So we hope you’ll find comfort in God’s never-ending grace and our still-unfolding story.
These past two years, I’ve embraced big change. Having been part of a large, ever-evolving company, I thought I was used to change. But when the change became big enough to challenge my identity, that’s when things got hard.
Moving away from our trusted community, juggling travel schedules, building a house, finding a church, trying to plug into our new community—it was a lot for our family to handle. But for me, the most challenging change of all was my transition from corporate employee to stay-at-home mom.
So much of my life was defined by what I did: accomplishments, responsibilities, results. I thrived on performance. In my corporate job, that performance involved helping a team advance, driving profit for a company, ensuring customer satisfaction, or helping a mentee grow into their potential.
But as I transitioned into being a full-time stay-at-home-mom, I struggled to find the performance that had been my fuel for so long. So I embarked on a desperate search for me, trying to reinvent myself and ground my identity in some form of accomplishment.
It’s been two years since I resigned, and to be completely honest, I froze up while writing this post. Believe it or not, I still mourn my corporate America identity.
I still catch myself reflecting on those years, longing to return to the grind. So I cried out to God, asking Him to show me the unsurrendered parts of my heart.
His answer? Self-sufficiency and significance.
He’s teaching me that as long as I strive to make everything work the way I want it to, I can never be fully dependent on Him. When I hang on to who I used to be, I miss opportunities to walk in the full confidence of Christ. And in order to find joy in day-to-day tasks, I need to rest my identity in Him.
I’m thankful for the example of Paul, who had such a strong resume as an elect leader, yet chose to pursue Christ:
"For we are the circumcision, the ones who worship by the Spirit of God, boast in Christ Jesus, and do not put confidence in the flesh— although I have reasons for confidence in the flesh. If anyone else thinks he has grounds for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised the eighth day; of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew born of Hebrews; regarding the law, a Pharisee; regarding zeal, persecuting the church; regarding the righteousness that is in the law, blameless.
But everything that was a gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them as dung, so that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ—the righteousness from God based on faith." Phil.3:2-9 CSB
With the comfort of God's Word, the wisdom of leaders, the prayers of friends, and the strength found in joining a group with similar goals, I’m learning to live in the deepest parts of gray.
If you've experienced a big change in your life that you’re still struggling to make sense of (whether it was your decision or something that happened to you), I feel ya. Strength comes from when you find your identity in Him.
Sharing this story was a struggle, because unlike in some of our other stories, I’m still right in the middle of this mess. But as in our other stories, I know that redemption is coming.
I can assure you that you are not alone; we are in this together. So please, if you can relate, comment on this post or message us on Instagram @meetthechiles. We can’t wait to hear from you.
Much love,
Niki Chiles