4 Steps to Take When Your Marriage Is Rocky

Have you ever driven down the highway and noticed a vehicle stuck in a ditch, unable to hoist itself out? Have you seen MedFlight swoop in on a horrific accident, or a hazmat team rush to the rescue of a tipped tanker?

That’s how our marriage looked for a while. We landed in a ditch, and it took a village to hoist us out. We took a tumble, spilling toxic cargo everywhere, so we had to call in the specialists for an all-out intervention. We needed the wise words and helping hands of others if we were ever going to recover.

If you’re experiencing a tumble or toxic spill in your marriage, or if you’d like to learn how to avoid one, then these tips are for you. When our marriage looked unredeemable, these tips set us up for redemption.

1. Pray that God will send you a tribe.  

Here’s what our tribe looked like:

• Layer 1: People we could trust with intimate details (3 or less). We gave open permission to this group to speak into any area within our life.  They gave us life-giving wisdom, prayed deeply, and redirected our thoughts and emotions back to Christ, back to the gospel, back to His truths.

• Layer 2: People who were pro-marriage no matter what! They needed to believe in Christ and His truth wholeheartedly.  They knew something was going on and didn’t know all the details, but they spoke life into us.  They fellowshipped with us.

• Layer 3: People who we could just hang out with. These friends didn’t need any of the details. They encouraged us and believed in us. They may have been aware of our uncomfortable situation, but they never made us feel awkward about it.

• Note: We had to distance ourselves from anyone who:

  • stirred up drama

  • spread rumors

  • slandered us

  • pushed for divorce for the sake of being “happy”

  • These people weren’t in it with us for the long haul. We did move them back into our lives eventually, but more on that later.

• Oh, and did I mention healthy boundaries and forgiveness? These were a must in every relationship.

2. Pray for wisdom.

We sought out Christian counselors- people who used God’s truth as a reference, rather than pulling from their own feelings or opinions.

• We had to work on ourselves first. Since neither of us grew up in Christ, we both had many chains to break. There were things we never learned growing up, like the biblical marriage model, the impact of premarital sex on a marriage, the damage of addiction, and toxic behaviors to avoid.

• At one point, we had to switch counselors when their advice got confusing; our God is a God of order!

3. Emotions are NOT a good compass.

• As baby Christians, we needed to learn the deep, transformational truths of God’s Word. We allowed these truths, not our emotions, to direct our steps. While His Word was faithful to guide us, our emotions often misled us.

• It was our tribe who taught us to lean into His truth! They were our guardrails, preventing us from flying off the mountain road of life. We’re thankful that they kept us in the right lane!

4. Attend an intensive or workshop.

• For us, our tribe and local church did the heavy lifting. They held weekly intensives, which we attended for a year and a half. If your local church doesn’t offer these, here are two other resources we suggest:

  • Focus on the Family’s Marriage Intensives: https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com

  • Weekend to Remember: https://www.familylife.com/weekend-to-remember/

No matter what your marriage looks like right now, know that our God is a God who fixes messes. He jumps into that ditch with you. He cleans up that toxic waste. He turns your turmoil into your testimony; your suffering is not in vain.

We have walked in your shoes, and many will walk in them after you. Someday your story might change someone’s life and marriage for the better. So for now, we pray these steps provide you a guide and something to follow.  Most of all lean into God and trust the power of God is at work through the impossible.

This all takes grit, but He promises grace upon grace. You’ve got this!

Did any of these tips surprise you? We would love to know what you thought! Please feel free to leave a comment below.

In much love,

Chris & Niki